I haven't written in this blog for.. so long

Looking at myself after all these years, I'm happy yet disappointed. 

I'm happy that I'm not the same scared person I was in the past, yet in some ways I'm still the same. There's still that fear of others, it feels like it's been embedded in me. This fear of being rejected or turned down by them.. the fear of letting people down.. the fear of not being up to their "standards".

But what are these "standards"? Who have set those? Was it me? If so, why have I set them so high?

I've always focused on being good, better and unselfish, but for whom? Was it for myself? It's not like I was being fed these words like other parents might have to their own children. I've completely surrounded myself with such nonsense, it restricted me from trying anything, of even daring myself to speak up.

This manner of thinking caused so much inner conflict inside of me, I didn't understand whatever it is I wanted to do, whatever it is I felt I was restricted from, I didn't understand what I wanted. Till this day, I carry this conflict and confusion, and I have none other than myself to blame. There was no parent who pushed me onto anything, there had been no outside interference pressuring me into anything but myself.

And when I have attempted to take a grasp around what it is that might make me feel joyful, happy, and full again. At that time, it felt like "this was it, this is it, this is making me feel.. happy" Sure I have done them with fear inside of me, yet.. after the feelings gone and all the facts sinked in, all the feelings I felt and the lies I had fed myself with, just broke me.. 

I tried, I tried to latch on the glimmer of.. anything. Anything that was still hovering around, touching it for a moment, engulfing myself in it, yet it flees the moment I opened my eyes. Because.. I realize what it is, it's just fragments of whatever I have twisted that memory into, whatever that "satisfied" me, and in every single one of them was me with the full awareness that I'm lying to myself..

I tried shaking these feelings off, told myself, "this isn't what you wanted for yourself, can't you see?!"

Yet, I delved into them, grasped one after the other. It's like I muted myself temporarily just to wake up after moments, realizing I had done it yet again..

I tried to confide in others, both friends and even kind strangers who were willing to listen to me, they understood me, and helped me, with whatever support and advice they were able to provide me. I'm forever thankful and sorry for them, to have them endured my ramblings, my mere tiny concerns compared to their own massive ones, mine don't even compare. I want to take a moment and say.. thank you, from the depth of my heart. I thank you for hearing me out, giving me a piece of your time and patience, and the care you had shown me. Thank you.

I just wish I confided in you only, not to the others, whom had demonstrated such a marvelous show! That the silly me was so happy to believe, knowing fully well it's just a facade, yet I wanted to believe it's real.

I.. had been so lonely. So lonely that I was ready to accept such lies, to overlook them, pretend I'm completely into them. For so long, I have longed for a connection of any kind, yet I deprived myself of them, thinking myself unworthy of them.

How sick it made me feel. Made me so sick of myself more than these people. Because I'm the one who allowed this. I was aware, yet I let myself delve into it, fed my thirst of attention and care by it.

But no more,

no more lying to myself, 

no more lying to others, 

no more.

I promised myself, yet again, to not, let myself fall into that mess again. No more glossing things with  fragments of something else that made me feel content. For my own sake, no one else's.

I ought to let myself be selfish, selfish for my own happiness and wellbeing.